WE ARE constantly being urged these days to eat less meat because this will supposedly halt climate change by cutting greenhouse gases. Farm animals get a major chunk of the blame for destroying life as we know it (copyright the International Panel on Climate Change, and we know they never tell porkies).
Trouble is that said animals break wind all the time (or trump, as we used to say in the North before Donald blew into the White House).
So by cutting out pork chops, crowns of lamb and sirloin steaks we will reduce demand for pigs, sheep and cattle. Hey presto, problem solved! No more smelly animal eructations filling the atmosphere with methane.
But hold on a minute. If humans stop eating meat, chances are we’ll get through a lot more beans. And we all know what that meanz (who said subtle humour was dead?)
In fact, the major animal culprit for methane production, coming second only to rotting natural debris, is, take a bow, the termite, knocking fossil fuels into bronze medal position.
So the solution to the problem is two words: Eat termites.
Google ‘termite recipes’ and you will find some mouthwatering suggestions. Florida Pest Control suggests an elegant little stew – ‘Combine water, carrots, celery, onion, parsley and bouillon cubes in large pot. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to a simmer. Simmer for 45 minutes. Add termites and rice.’
There’s termite salad, roast termites, termite biscuits, Amazonian carp with termite garnish; the list goes on. It can only be a matter of time before Walkers are selling cheese ’n’ onion, salt and vinegar, and smoky bacon termites (Lineker will advertise them if they pay him enough).
You can count me out, though. I used to eat a lot of termites but it was too much like aardvark.