THANKS to our wonderful NHS, we are all aware of abbreviations such as DNR, ICU and A&E. But what about the unofficial codes used to delineate those pesky patients? I scoured reference books and the Internet to come up with the following list of doctoral acronyms and phrases from both sides of the Atlantic – further suggestions welcome.
ABITHAD – Another Bloody Idiot Thinks He’s A Doctor
AFUBR – All F***ed Up Beyond Repair
AGA – Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
AGMI – Ain’t Gonna Make It
APTFRAN – Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
ART – Assuming Room Temperature (recently deceased)
Ash Cash – Money paid for signing a cremation form
ATS – Acute Thespian Syndrome (the patient is faking illness)
AWTF – Away With The Fairies; a patient who is totally confused.
Baby Catcher – Obstetrician
Bordeaux – Bloodstained urine
Brotheliser – Test requested by sexually transmitted disease clinic
BUNDY – But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bury the Hatchet – accidentally leave a surgical instrument inside a patient
CBT – Chronic Biscuit Toxicity (for fat patients)
CC – Cancel Christmas (patient dead)
Celestial Transfer – patient dead
CHAOS – Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome
CLL – Complete Low Life
CNS-QNS – Central Nervous System – Quantity Not Sufficient
COSMONAUT – Cat Owner, Smells, Made Of Nuts And Used Tampons
CTD – Circling The Drain; may also mean Certain To Die
DAAD – Dead As A Doornail
Dagenham – three stops beyond Barking (severely disturbed patient based on East London station names)
DBI – Dirt Bag Index – multiply the number of tattoos by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed
DENTIST – Doesn’t Even Need Treatment – It’s Sorted, Truly
Departure Lounge – Geriatric ward
Digging for worms – Varicose vein surgery
DNKA – Patient who Did Not Keep Appointment
DUB – Damn Ugly Baby
EFT – Eleventh Floor Transfer (in a ten-floor hospital; refers to patient who is very close to death)
ERNOBW – Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel (thick)
ETKTM – Every Test Known To Man
FABIANS – Felt Awful But I’m Alright Now Syndrome
Faecal Encephalopathy – Shit for Brains
FDSTW – Found Dead Stayed That Way
FF – Frequent Flyer – A patient who returns to a medical provider for everything
FFFF – Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent
FLGD – Familial lack of Genetic Diversity
FLD – Funny Looking Dad
FLK – Funny Looking Kid
FOALS NEIGH – F**k Off And Let Someone Not Extremely Incompetent Get Here
FOS – Full Of Shit
Freud Squad – Psychiatrists
FTW – F***ing Train Wreck (patient with multiple problems)
Gassers and Slashers – Anaesthetists and general surgeons
GLL – Great Looking Legs
GLM – Good Looking Mum
GOK – God Only Knows
GPO – Good for Parts Only
GRAFOB – Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed
GROLIES – Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt
Handbag Positive – Confused elderly woman lying on the bed but still clutching her handbag
HIVI – Husband Is Village Idiot
HONDA – Hypertensive Obese Non-compliant Diabetic Adult.
IWB – Intercourse With Biscuits (F**king Crackers)
LFTWM – Looking for Three Wise Men (applied to young mothers-to-be who deny having had sex).
LGFD – Looks good from door
LOBNH – Lights On But Nobody Home
LOLINAD – Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress
LOLTWO – Little Old Lady Totally Whacked Out
MFC – Measure For Coffin
NFN – Normal For Norfolk
NFS – Normal For Swindon
NQRITH – Not Quite Right In the Head
OAP – Over-Anxious Parent
OPD – Obnoxious Personality Disorder.
PAAF – Pissed As A Fart
PBBB – Pine Box By Bedside
PDE – Pissed, Denies Everything
PFO – Pissed, Fell Over.
PGT – Pissed, Got Thumped
PIA – Pain In the Arse.
PIN – Pain In the Neck
PIP – Pyjama Induced Paralysis.
PMS – Poor Miserable Soul who won’t stop complaining
PRATFO – Patient Reassured And Told to F**k Off
PPP – Piss Poor Protoplasm – a patient endowed with inferior genetic material
Pumpkin Positive – Shine a light in the patient’s ear and the whole head will light up
SALT – Same As Last Time
SBI – Something Bad Inside
SIG – Stupid Ignorant Git
SNEFS – Sub-Normal Even For Suffolk
TAPS – Thick As Pig Sh*t.
TATT – Tired All The Time
TBP – Total Bloody Pain
TEETH – Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy
TEON – Two Eyes One Nose
TMB – Too Many Birthdays (applied to aged patients)
TOBAS – Take Out Back And Shoot.
TTFO – Told To F*** Off
TUBE – Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination
UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury
UDI – Unexplainable Drinking Injury
VAC – Vultures are Circling (patient dying)
WAW – What a Wally
WDWNF – Well-Developed Well-Nourished Female
WNL – Used for recording vital signs. It can mean ‘within normal limits’ or ‘we never looked’
WOMBAT – Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
Curse of the commentators
LAST Saturday I watched two football matches on the box – Liverpool v Everton and Chelsea against Arsenal. Both had me yelling obscenities at the screen. It wasn’t the men on the pitch who upset me, it was the blasted commentary teams.
The first game, on TNT, formerly BT Sport, boasted Darren Fletcher, aided and abetted by Ally McCoist and Rio Ferdinand. They try to give the impression of being best mates, with the latter two referring to their colleague as ‘Fletch’ and all three in constant fawning agreement with each other.
Fletcher is the master of the blindingly obvious. A typical snippet: ‘Both sets of supporters are desperate for a victory.’ Ferdinand: ‘Spot-on there, Fletch.’ McCoist: ‘Absolutely.’
Ah, the ubiquitous A-word. I stopped counting at 50 examples on Saturday yet there were many more to come. In one match. It seems to be compulsory for everyone babbling on about footie, on all channels, at every game, in almost every sentence. Oh for the days when a mere ‘Yes’ would suffice. McCoist is one of the worst offenders while he also appends the words ‘I really do’ to virtually every opinion voiced in his Gorbals brogue, which becomes thicker by the day. To adapt a phrase, you can take the McCoist out of Glasgow but ye cannae take the Glasgae oot of McCoist.
Gary Neville, a champagne leftie obscenely overpaid by Sky Sports, is just as bad in the A-word department while his stupidity shines through as he repeatedly and solemnly intones such original phrases as ‘at this moment in time’. It makes me yearn for the days of Kenneth Wolstenholme alone in the commentary box – ‘Law, Best, Charlton – one-nil.’
I have scoured the internet seeking ways to cancel live sports commentary while keeping the crowd noise and stadium atmosphere – no dice. Why? There must be many people like me who would willingly pay extra not to hear the drivelling of McCoist, Neville and the rest. I think I’ll start a petition. Absolutely. I really do.
Old jokes’ home
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a lettuce leaf sticking out of my bottom.’ Doctor: ‘I’m afraid it’s just the tip of the iceberg.’
A PS from PG
As a rule my relations with housemaids are cordial and sympathetic. If I meet a housemaid, I beam at her and say ‘Good morning’ and she beams at me and says ‘Good morning’ and all is joy and peace. But this one I would have gladly socked on the napper with a brick.
PG Wodehouse: The Mating Season